So I am about midway through the semester. It's been an interesting one to say the least. After the events of the summer, my awareness to things going on around me is very heightened. I am more aware of the people I am around and the things that are being said there. It has been an experience.
Since I am the founding grad rep for the Carolina Institute for Leadership and Engagement I have become more aware of the persona I am giving off to not only students but also faculty and community members. Not that I wasn't paying attention before, it is just being in a leadership position makes you analyze situations a little differently.
Enough of the school talk....
Otherwise I have happened upon a few things the past couple months. I have continued to be centered in the Gospel and putting what God wants me to do ahead of my own, and often lofty desires. I think it is important that we put God first. On that same line, I think it is very important that we act Christ-like. The problem I have run into with this is that the more I try to be like Jesus Christ, I have seen people that are uncomfortable with that love. The only explanation I can see for this is that most people are not used to someone just being there for them. Sure a lot of people will say they "are there" but are they really. When you need something who is really going to be there for you? Mostly your family and a very few couple of friends. That is to say that my whole life I have been expecting that I show commitment, friendship, and Christ-like love to a very few number of people that will accept that part of who I am, and then I expect that kind of treatment in return.
This is where I have fallen short. My expectations for my relationships, whatever level or kind they are, are way too high. In the mean time, I tend to get hurt really bad very easily. After a certain event occurred in my life (October 2004) I have shy ed away from people. I have always been the type that only had a few good friends, because I hold my friendships very close to me, but after that event, I began to close myself off. The ration for this came that if I don't get close to anyone I can't get hurt, and it worked for me for a while. When I started Grad School I set out to really open up and try to let people see what my real personality was without hiding anything. Well, last year in that attempt, I wasn't totally open with everyone. I hid my personality a little, only opening up to those I thought I could trust. Then what happened? Those I thought I could trust hurt me....very badly......
I tend to put up a wall about trusting people. I have been bruised by so many people in my life already and some of you have no idea how far back this goes, but it has impacted my life. If I happen to let my guard down for someone, it doesn't take much for it to go right back up. So for those of you who I have let my wall down for, please take care of me. Once you break down that wall, I wear my heart on my sleeve for you completely and it is very fragile.
My friends in Mississippi used to tell me that they never got to know me until they really spent time with me. They said I had a different type of personality when I was out at school or being professional.....and maybe I do to a certain extent, but that my personality when I am away from the stresses of that is totally amazing. I think this is happening again....although I'm not sure that I can be any different. I want friends who respect me for who I am inside, not for what they see on the outside. And I don't want any friends that are not going to cherish our friendship. People must realize that any kind of relationship, be it friendship or more, is a two way street and both parties have to give and take a little.
Which brings me to my next point. I am not as "high maintenance" as some people might think I am. I have been accused of that since I was young and its really not true. Interestly enough, it's the little things that make me the most happy. For example: saying hi as you pass by me in the hallway or pass by my office door, sending a simple email, facebook message, text to tell me to have a great day, understanding that while I may seem happy a lot of the time I am struggling with trials too, acknowledging I am there, inviting me to something you are doing, ....etc.....I don't ask for big shows, money, or gifts, just little things that tell me my friends care.
I have come to the conclusion that you can't go around doing things for others just to get things in return. You truly must give unselfishly if you are to do according to God. If you give expecting to receive, then it will never happen and you will get hurt in the long run. Don't do it because you want something, do it because it is the right thing to do and trust that God will bless you for your charity for others properly.
I know this has been a rant and rave post, but these things have been on my mind the past couple weeks. I have thought a lot about what kind of person I want to be and how I am influenced by my surroundings and my past. There are facts that everyone has to deal with, but I think it is a step in the right direction to identify the obstacles that need to be overcome.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
New Semester, New Beginnings
Yes, it has been quite a while since I have written anything. I have been going through a lot of randomness this summer, which has caused me to put my blog on the back burner. I apologize!
So from about May 1-July 3rd, I was in the biggest trial of my life to date. Something happened that threatened me as a person and my dreams. I am still amazed that I survived that without doing something drastic. See, I have experienced the thing that most people call "down and out" or depression, once before....nine months of it in fact. And it was not fun. The hardest thing for someone to do is pull themselves out of such a depression, but I did it for the most part although it took me 2 years to totally recover. When this thing happened, it kinda of threw me back into that. I didn't sleep more than 3 hours a night and 3 hours was a good night. I wasn't really eating, but was gaining weight b/c extreme stress makes you gain weight. I couldn't think straight and I didn't want to socialize with anyone.
Besides the experience of the trial, the best thing that came from it was the blessings of the knowledge of those who care about me. I found out who really cared about ME; my family and a few true friends. I nailed down who exactly are my mentors not only for my career but also my life in general. Those two men really gave me the strength I needed to pull through what was happening to me. They mean more to me than they will ever know, because when I was at the edge of complete despair, they were there to keep my head of above the water.
Spiritually, through the trial, I realized that my Heavenly Father, God, was truly looking over me. He really does answer people's prayers and he really does know the intentions of our hearts. I know that the trial I endured was not from God, but from the adversary, trying his best to put a wall between me and the choice spirit I was sent to help come to know of Jesus Christ and God's plan for us; which only confirms more that my thoughts about the promptings and experiences I have had with about person are true. I figured out that the spirits of our family and friends in Heaven, still watch over us and help protect us through life's trials as much as they can. I felt the presence of those angels with me on July 3rd.
So on July 3rd, when everything was practically over and I saw some light at the end of the tunnel, I set out to make sure that I was thinking through everything I ever do. I wanted to make sure that if I made a decision it was the right one. I also set out to give back to those who were there for me at one of the lowest points in my life thus far. Some of those I will be repaying for a long, long time!
After that, I settled down a bit but still understood that this next year will be an interesting one. I had a pretty great rest of the summer after my aspirations were given their track back. I actually lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks after the majority of the stress left, which was the amount of weight I put on during May and June. I had set out at the beginning of May to lose 100 lbs by August, but was not successful because of the situation and stress I was under. I made a little money at random jobs, mostly house-sitting/dog-sitting and relaxed. I was so happy to be back at the School of Music on August 21!
My classes this semester are amazing! I love all of the profs that I have and plan to use my classes as a way to escape the world and the stresses that I will be dealing with this year. I love Sundays, because they are another opportunity for me to commune with my Heavenly Father and thank him for all the blessings I have.
I look forward to the trials of this year, even if they may completely drain my spirit for a few seconds. I know that these trials only make us stronger, and I am definitely a stronger individual after this summer. I am looking forward to seeing old friends and meeting new ones, hoping to visit my 2 mentors at sometime for some chill time!
Here's to a New Semester, and New Beginnings!!!
So from about May 1-July 3rd, I was in the biggest trial of my life to date. Something happened that threatened me as a person and my dreams. I am still amazed that I survived that without doing something drastic. See, I have experienced the thing that most people call "down and out" or depression, once before....nine months of it in fact. And it was not fun. The hardest thing for someone to do is pull themselves out of such a depression, but I did it for the most part although it took me 2 years to totally recover. When this thing happened, it kinda of threw me back into that. I didn't sleep more than 3 hours a night and 3 hours was a good night. I wasn't really eating, but was gaining weight b/c extreme stress makes you gain weight. I couldn't think straight and I didn't want to socialize with anyone.
Besides the experience of the trial, the best thing that came from it was the blessings of the knowledge of those who care about me. I found out who really cared about ME; my family and a few true friends. I nailed down who exactly are my mentors not only for my career but also my life in general. Those two men really gave me the strength I needed to pull through what was happening to me. They mean more to me than they will ever know, because when I was at the edge of complete despair, they were there to keep my head of above the water.
Spiritually, through the trial, I realized that my Heavenly Father, God, was truly looking over me. He really does answer people's prayers and he really does know the intentions of our hearts. I know that the trial I endured was not from God, but from the adversary, trying his best to put a wall between me and the choice spirit I was sent to help come to know of Jesus Christ and God's plan for us; which only confirms more that my thoughts about the promptings and experiences I have had with about person are true. I figured out that the spirits of our family and friends in Heaven, still watch over us and help protect us through life's trials as much as they can. I felt the presence of those angels with me on July 3rd.
So on July 3rd, when everything was practically over and I saw some light at the end of the tunnel, I set out to make sure that I was thinking through everything I ever do. I wanted to make sure that if I made a decision it was the right one. I also set out to give back to those who were there for me at one of the lowest points in my life thus far. Some of those I will be repaying for a long, long time!
After that, I settled down a bit but still understood that this next year will be an interesting one. I had a pretty great rest of the summer after my aspirations were given their track back. I actually lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks after the majority of the stress left, which was the amount of weight I put on during May and June. I had set out at the beginning of May to lose 100 lbs by August, but was not successful because of the situation and stress I was under. I made a little money at random jobs, mostly house-sitting/dog-sitting and relaxed. I was so happy to be back at the School of Music on August 21!
My classes this semester are amazing! I love all of the profs that I have and plan to use my classes as a way to escape the world and the stresses that I will be dealing with this year. I love Sundays, because they are another opportunity for me to commune with my Heavenly Father and thank him for all the blessings I have.
I look forward to the trials of this year, even if they may completely drain my spirit for a few seconds. I know that these trials only make us stronger, and I am definitely a stronger individual after this summer. I am looking forward to seeing old friends and meeting new ones, hoping to visit my 2 mentors at sometime for some chill time!
Here's to a New Semester, and New Beginnings!!!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
The First Blog
So this blog is for me to write about my weight loss and let out some frustration at the same time. Most of the things will be related to weight loss, however I think it will be good for me to write about some of the things I deal with on a regular basis so people can get to know me a little better. Please realize that the things I talk about come honestly from me and are not a ploy of any kind.
Some people have told me that I act like nothing is wrong, but they obviously don't know the type of person I am. I do my best everyday to serve God's people. Some of these people don't understand that and therefore will backfire at me because they are uncomfortable with someone who wants to help them. I honestly just try to be a good person and with the way society is today, majority of people take that completely wrong because they are so used to someone cheating them or doing for their own gain. To those people who have confused my actions as something else, know that I am someone who forgives people really quickly. And while you may still be thinking that I'm mad or upset at you for something you said to me, I'm not.
I have learned through my church to forgive people, because we will be judged/forgiven the way we judge/forgive other people. That is another reason you will notice that I have ALL TYPES of friends. I don't always run to one type of person. I believe everyone should be given a fair judgement from the beginning. I try to appreciate everyone for who they are and try to learn from everyone. Believe me, those people that are close to me I treat like my brothers and sisters, but if we aren't REALLY close, don't think I'm not here for you. Even those of you that have assumed that I said something or meant something a certain way, just remember I don't judge and I forgive very quickly.
I have been hurt by several people. Recently, some people have completely shocked me. While that hurt on my soul still lingers in the back of my mind, it will never give me a reason to mistreat or disrespect any of you in anyway. I realize this may be different for you. I know you are probably used to "upsetting someone" and then they completely ignore you and forget about you. I won't do that! I know one day this month I completely shocked someone just by saying hello to them after they had done something to me that truly hurt. They just stopped and looked at me, then looked at the ground confused as to why I would speak to them.
Some people have told me that I act like nothing is wrong, but they obviously don't know the type of person I am. I do my best everyday to serve God's people. Some of these people don't understand that and therefore will backfire at me because they are uncomfortable with someone who wants to help them. I honestly just try to be a good person and with the way society is today, majority of people take that completely wrong because they are so used to someone cheating them or doing for their own gain. To those people who have confused my actions as something else, know that I am someone who forgives people really quickly. And while you may still be thinking that I'm mad or upset at you for something you said to me, I'm not.
I have learned through my church to forgive people, because we will be judged/forgiven the way we judge/forgive other people. That is another reason you will notice that I have ALL TYPES of friends. I don't always run to one type of person. I believe everyone should be given a fair judgement from the beginning. I try to appreciate everyone for who they are and try to learn from everyone. Believe me, those people that are close to me I treat like my brothers and sisters, but if we aren't REALLY close, don't think I'm not here for you. Even those of you that have assumed that I said something or meant something a certain way, just remember I don't judge and I forgive very quickly.
I have been hurt by several people. Recently, some people have completely shocked me. While that hurt on my soul still lingers in the back of my mind, it will never give me a reason to mistreat or disrespect any of you in anyway. I realize this may be different for you. I know you are probably used to "upsetting someone" and then they completely ignore you and forget about you. I won't do that! I know one day this month I completely shocked someone just by saying hello to them after they had done something to me that truly hurt. They just stopped and looked at me, then looked at the ground confused as to why I would speak to them.
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