Rant and Rave

So I am about midway through the semester. It's been an interesting one to say the least. After the events of the summer, my awareness to things going on around me is very heightened. I am more aware of the people I am around and the things that are being said there. It has been an experience.

Since I am the founding grad rep for the Carolina Institute for Leadership and Engagement I have become more aware of the persona I am giving off to not only students but also faculty and community members. Not that I wasn't paying attention before, it is just being in a leadership position makes you analyze situations a little differently.

Enough of the school talk....

Otherwise I have happened upon a few things the past couple months. I have continued to be centered in the Gospel and putting what God wants me to do ahead of my own, and often lofty desires. I think it is important that we put God first. On that same line, I think it is very important that we act Christ-like. The problem I have run into with this is that the more I try to be like Jesus Christ, I have seen people that are uncomfortable with that love. The only explanation I can see for this is that most people are not used to someone just being there for them. Sure a lot of people will say they "are there" but are they really. When you need something who is really going to be there for you? Mostly your family and a very few couple of friends. That is to say that my whole life I have been expecting that I show commitment, friendship, and Christ-like love to a very few number of people that will accept that part of who I am, and then I expect that kind of treatment in return.

This is where I have fallen short. My expectations for my relationships, whatever level or kind they are, are way too high. In the mean time, I tend to get hurt really bad very easily. After a certain event occurred in my life (October 2004) I have shy ed away from people. I have always been the type that only had a few good friends, because I hold my friendships very close to me, but after that event, I began to close myself off. The ration for this came that if I don't get close to anyone I can't get hurt, and it worked for me for a while. When I started Grad School I set out to really open up and try to let people see what my real personality was without hiding anything. Well, last year in that attempt, I wasn't totally open with everyone. I hid my personality a little, only opening up to those I thought I could trust. Then what happened? Those I thought I could trust hurt me....very badly......

I tend to put up a wall about trusting people. I have been bruised by so many people in my life already and some of you have no idea how far back this goes, but it has impacted my life. If I happen to let my guard down for someone, it doesn't take much for it to go right back up. So for those of you who I have let my wall down for, please take care of me. Once you break down that wall, I wear my heart on my sleeve for you completely and it is very fragile.

My friends in Mississippi used to tell me that they never got to know me until they really spent time with me. They said I had a different type of personality when I was out at school or being professional.....and maybe I do to a certain extent, but that my personality when I am away from the stresses of that is totally amazing. I think this is happening again....although I'm not sure that I can be any different. I want friends who respect me for who I am inside, not for what they see on the outside. And I don't want any friends that are not going to cherish our friendship. People must realize that any kind of relationship, be it friendship or more, is a two way street and both parties have to give and take a little.

Which brings me to my next point. I am not as "high maintenance" as some people might think I am. I have been accused of that since I was young and its really not true. Interestly enough, it's the little things that make me the most happy. For example: saying hi as you pass by me in the hallway or pass by my office door, sending a simple email, facebook message, text to tell me to have a great day, understanding that while I may seem happy a lot of the time I am struggling with trials too, acknowledging I am there, inviting me to something you are doing, ....etc.....I don't ask for big shows, money, or gifts, just little things that tell me my friends care.

I have come to the conclusion that you can't go around doing things for others just to get things in return. You truly must give unselfishly if you are to do according to God. If you give expecting to receive, then it will never happen and you will get hurt in the long run. Don't do it because you want something, do it because it is the right thing to do and trust that God will bless you for your charity for others properly.

I know this has been a rant and rave post, but these things have been on my mind the past couple weeks. I have thought a lot about what kind of person I want to be and how I am influenced by my surroundings and my past. There are facts that everyone has to deal with, but I think it is a step in the right direction to identify the obstacles that need to be overcome.